how soon is now?

I'm such a cliche.  Like everybody else, I gotta squeeze in an epiphany before the year ends.  Honestly, I don't have anything to bring to the table.  

2007, like the three before, is pocked with self-loathing, pretension and alleged 'journeys of self-discovery.'  Does it really take a new year for me to realize these things? Or to realize that I have to change?  If I linger on this subject too long, I'll forget what's really important.  The big fish.  If I excuse this subject, I'll just end up repeating the same mistakes.  I've done both on different occasions, on different new year's eves.  So... what will I do differently?  

the talented ms. ripley

Ah, so it is possible to love someone in all the wrong ways.  I lie when I say it is unconditional.  Every time I go to see my mentor every 4 or 6 months and relay my progress, I expect recognition, I expect the deeply personal conversations, I expect the hug.  I get back home euphoric and aroused and I learn how to love the world again.  This is borderline sadism. I know that my relations with him will never go beyond work-related chit-chat and vague sex jokes.  I am Jane's pulsating libido.  Here's the clincher: All those conversations that went like a Charlie Kaufman screenplay and the eloquent yet humored letters were carefully fabricated weeks in advance.  If there was a montage of my life's vices, I'd roughly estimate that 80% of it involved him in some manner.  

Albeit, Freud would probably attribute this to paternal neglect, I convince myself that this is merely a rebound from those Capgras delusions I've had as a child.  Whatever helps with the guilt and paranoia.  (I swear, every time I lose interest in a sexual prospect, it's his way of getting revenge)  

Time and proximity will take its toll and, like many other sentimental memories, he'll be replaced by the intricacies of cellular metabolism. 

(0245 hrs next day):  You're fucking evil.  Wait a tick, this is me.  I'm fucking evil.  Cool.

cool runnings

The roads were icy and I didn't want to risk driving to the recreational center's pool so I tried land exercises today.  I stopped after 5 minutes, wheezing and out of breath.  I returned home, from running, feeling ashamed and unproductive.  5'2 tall and 120 pounds of fat.  

Like an Alzheimer patient, having forgotten that feeling of humiliation, I will attempt to run yet again.  Run, little fish, run.  

live from my parent's house

Guten Tag!  I'm a college student majoring in biochemistry. Nice, huh?  Including the words: community college burnout, chronic procrastinator, self indulgent 'cockpit', is more than enough to negate those lovely facts.

This year, I turned twenty and I feel old.  The kind of old you stick in a box.  Quarter life crisis sneaks up on me, like the 'Nam veteran who mistakes me for LingLing.  Epiphany-gasm!  I know what to do with my life!  I may not be Gandhi, but I do feel the need to contribute to mankind every once in a while.  However, this time, it goes beyond saving up used Yoplait caps for breast cancer.  I guess I'm not a cynical misanthrope after all.  As long as I don't have a N.Y. Times detailing the latest mass rape, murder, kidnapping, genocide, Korn concert, orgy-that-does-not-include-me, I can be happy and sincerely devote myself to the preservation of our species.  

p.s. My lil' sister made me a teddy bear for Christmas. Aww. :D ( see pic)  Thanks for indulging this nonbeliever with your irrationally good nature.  Love you lots.